here are some mad ones iv heard

My cat fell from my fourth-floor window. He wasn’t moving for a minute, so I panicked and tried to give her mouth-to-mouth, but she was still conscious and bit me hard on the lip. I had to go to the hospital to get some stitches.

My dog hid my only pair of shoes somewhere in the apartment and won't tell me where they are. I can’t leave the house until I find them.


In order to save time and be early for work, I decided to blowdry my hair and wash my face at the same time. Next thing I knew I was in the hospital. The doctors tell me I was electrocuted.

il not be in next week i have a funneral

http://pherolibrary.com/forum/showthread.php?p=187038

See http://madtbone.tripod.com/ for LOTS more

General work excuses:

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the supermarket.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Hoyas, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with AT&T, but thank you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

Just did a shoot where I needed 7 models. No shows would be an embarassing, expensive and major problem. I organised 10 models to be sure and had 3 no shows - just as I expected.  

However, one of these put herself out enough to organise someone else as a standin - sending me photos of her in advance to approve. Sure enough the lovely Selina had her parents drive her all the way up from Dublin for the shoot.

So while there will always be no shows, its good there are models who are remarkably professional. 

I normally stick to landscapes, and the weather doesn't show up half the time :)